Divorce and Remarriage

Before 1970 a person had to prove in a court of law that their partner was causing significant harm to the family. If there was no abuse, abandonment, adultery or alcoholism present in the relationship then the court wouldn’t grant the divorce. When a person proved that there was a valid reason for a divorce it made the division of property and the children a clear choice. The children would live with the parent that weren’t at fault for the divorce. The other partner was responsible for paying child support and generally the couple that kept the children also received the majority of the material things. This seemed to work out pretty well. However, in 1970 California passed the no fault act that allowed couples to divorce because they didn’t want to be together anymore. This caused problems on how to divide the material possessions and the who would get custody of the children. In most states the mother will be the one to have custody of the children. The father would then have visitation and would have to pay child support. Divorce is a very messy, painful process. Paul Bohannan say that there are 6 stations or experiences a couple will go through before, during and after a divorce.

Station 1: The emotional divorce. This is where the couple becomes disconnected and not interested in one another anymore.

Station 2: The legal divorce. The average divorce costs $125,000 dollars. Attorneys and court fees can be very expensive for a couple to sign papers.

Station 3: The economic divorce. This is how the couple will decide to divide the money and material possessions between them.

Station 4: The co-parental divorce. This is when the court will decide who has legal and physical custody of the children. At age 12 a child can voice their opinion of which parent they would like to live with. The judge will take their opinion into consideration. The older children generally can not be an advocate of their younger siblings unless there is a great deal of danger toward the children.

Station 5: The community divorce. When a parent moves away because they don’t want to have to share friends or just want space. Sometimes a parent needs to move to afford housing or for a better job. The average divorced couple lives 400 miles apart.

Station 6: The psychic divorce. This is when a person in transitioning from being a couple to be an individual again. This can only happen if the person is separating or letting go of the positive and negative emotions related to the relationship.

Statistics show that two years after the divorce 70% of people say that they could have or should have saved the marriage. Other studies show that families that work through their problems are living happily again within five years. To me this shows that two good people didn’t know what to do in a situation, they got frustrated and then turned to divorce to find answers.

If divorce has happened in a person’s life, then they are more likely to have greater problems in future relationships. Their children are also a greater risk of delaying marriage or getting divorces as well.

A service in New York established the following guidelines for blended families. I like these guidelines because they focus on helping the children through the divorce as well. First, it takes a minimum of two years to reach “normalcy”. Parents should accept this and allow the children the needed time to feel comfortable with the new situation. Second, all heavy discipline will be handled by the birth parent. This allows the child to continue with the consistent discipline style. Third, step-parents should be more or less the equivalent of a fantastic aunt or uncle. They should never undermine the birth parent but should be there for the child by supporting them in the things they do and enjoy. Fourth, parents (birth and step) need to constantly counsel with each other about the children. By following these guidelines, a blended family can cope and have greater success.